Crazy Diet Confession

I need to fess up.

I didn't follow my own advice.

I lost my job this year and spent a lot of time on the couch.

Eating.

A lot.

As many of us plagued with excess weight know, some of it comes from being sedentary and a lot from emotional eating.

I eat when I'm sad and depressed. Boatloads.

So I started to feel very yucky, and sadly in this economy when one looks for a job, looking good really helps.

I'm also impatient. My fiance told me how his ex lost over 80 lbs doing low carb. I'm a sucker for him. He was insistent on how well it worked, he agreed to do it with me.

For four months I ate nary a carb. Not a noodle, not a slice of bread. I broke out, I couldn't poop, and I felt even crummier. I lost weight.

Then I just lost it. I couldn't take it anymore. My fiance had long quit the diet and I snuck off to eat some of his sugary cereal. One bowl turned into three.

I didn't put on weight. I felt better.

Slowly I let carbs back into my diet, but good ones, not his crappy cereal. Well, ok, sometimes. I didn't eat any more than I did when I was dieting. I started feeling better. I got my ass off the couch. I no longer felt sluggish. I started to walk. I've lost about 20lbs.

I felt like such an, well, asshole for doing such a crazy diet, completely cutting out carbs that I had to share.

Even diet bloggers fail.

True story.

Like-Minded Diet Blogger & BS "Sprinkle Diet"

Not only do I keep my own diet blog, but I read a lot of other diet blogs out there. I recently came across "Put The Fork Down," and like myself she knows behind the hype there are a lot of scams out there, her post on SENSA particularly piqued my interest.  Somehow, perhaps since I've canceled subscriptions and turned off the tube, this current shitty phenomenon didn't blip on my radar.

Basically, once again a crummy supplement hiding behind a mask of science. Having worked in pharmaceutical research for many years, I can tell you that if there is something that actually would help you lose some el-bees, or at least close to it, then a big ass drug company would be selling it, via a doctor's prescription. Anyone can hang a shingle saying "So & So Labs," but if it has not gone through the rigorous FDA approval process in the US (and similar organizations across the globe), take at your own risk.  There are those who will argue about big Pharma sucking on the teat of the FDA or vice versa, and there is some truth to that, but all the regulations and rigamarole are there to protect us from nouveau snake oil and whatnot. For more information on why the so-called "Sprinkle-Diet" is a waste of time, also check out this great post over at the Fit Shack.

Why Yes, I Am Giving Birth To 30 Pounds of Fat, or Dumb People Suck

Just a short break from the usual humor on this blog. Do note as I write, I'm about 30 lbs from my goal weight.

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It seems to happen about three times a year. It never gets easier. It always hurts. Bad. 

You see, I am one of those women who's weigh is  all situated in her stomach. Even at my heaviest, my legs and arms were thin.  What happens when a woman has a stomach? Yes, you are correct. People make assumptions. Now most people are smart enough to keep their thoughts to themselves, but sadly there hoardes of morons who think it is perfectly OK to ask a complete stranger if she is pregnant.

It has happened to me numerous times. I have reacted with nastiness, humor, honestly, and plain old silence. It never fails, though, to make me cry. Sure, I can perhaps do more crunches, but that still does  not excuse anyone of asking someone who they don't know personally, much less know offically if a woman is expecting.

So this happened again tonight at work. The cleaning woman.  I answered "no, I am fat!" and walked away to the furthest corner of our stock room to cry.  Just earlier in the day I was proud of myself for my progress, looking good, hell I was wearing a body slimmer, and apparently that didn't manner.

I waited for her to show back up and scolded her "Don't you EVER ask a woman that you do not know that question. Ever."

I was tempted to go cheat and  have some doughnuts. Emotional eater here, but I decided I wasn't going to let that fool ruin what I've worked so hard to achieve. 

Instead of sulking, I went out this evening and women, two I admire, independently, unsolicited gave me complements on how I looked. Both of them, I thanked profusely. Sure I shouldn't worry what other's think, but I'm human. Their kind words..one called me "gorgeous," negated the words of the simpleton. Still, though, part of me is still seething.

Still, I know it might happen again. I am not sure I'll be tough or not, but I am sure I am not the only one who has had this happen to, and I know other's who have had much worse weight discrimination.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to get slim and healthy, but I will never ever forget what it was like to be overweight.

Absentmindedness Yields Yummy Diet Treat

I am the world's most absent-minded person or more accurately, the poster child for ADHD. I have on more than one occasion "lost' my cellphone in the refrigerator. I have even gone looking for my phone while it was in my very hands. Thankfully I have a sense of humor, or otherwise I would be still in hiding from the day I went to work with one regular low-top black Converse Chuck Taylor on one foot, and a one PLATFORM knock-off of the same shoe. I thought that I had an inner-ear infection from the imbalance until I looked down.

So now that it is established that I am a hot mess, it is no surprise that when I bought a package of already prepared sugar-free Jello cups I put them in the freezer instead of the refrigerator.

I was craving something sweet and was not in the mood for the Jello to thaw, so I started scraping at it with a spoon. Happily, I wasn't out two bucks for being too lazy to make my own Jello as was even more delicious frozen than it's regular jiggly texture. To be honest, regular gelatin kind of skeeves me out, but at 10 calories it usually pacifies my sweet tooth. 

As I scraped away, I recalled the Italian ices of my youth. Not the kind that is scooped into a paper cup (30+ years away from NY, I still pine for The Lemon Ice King of Corona,) but the solid frozen kind from the ice cream man. It came in a green paper cup with a little elf logo and a wooden spoon. All of us kids would scrape around the edges and just as the little puck loosened up, we'd deftly flip the ice over to reveal a crystalized, gelatinous orb of extra sweet ice. 

While it wasn't exactly like the ices of the days of yore, the frozen Jello did have a similar texture and taste when I scraped and flipped it over in it's cup. I enjoyed it so much, the next day I went to the grocery store to buy more Jello cups to stick in the freezer.

If you're not a lazy ass like me, you could easily pour the jello into ice-pop molds or paper cups and stick them in the freezer.  In fact, I'm sure this is no big recipe secret, but it is, I must say a tasty low, low calorie treat.

It's already hot as hell where I live & this happy accident has led me to a bit of a freezing frenzy. In the upcoming weeks, I'll share more of my concoctions. In the meantime, I'd love to read some comments of reader's accidental diet concoctions.

Interrupting This Diet Blog

I told my boyfriend I'd post a link to his blog with resources about the swine flu.

I can't say no, this man makes me weak in the knees! Plus he loved me when I was much, much more chubby.

Hope it amounts to nothing!  I will avoid pointing out that being sick, is well, a sick way to lose weight--easily. 

swine flu resources.

Crazy Diets Has Some More Crazy News

My skin care miracle!
First post is up, more to come.

Goop? More Celebrity Detox Advice

Gwyneth Paltrow, if you haven't heard, has fancied herself a lifestyle Guru and has started a website called "Goop." But, you're here to read about diets, so here is the direct link to her Gwynnie's Detox.

Are Cleansing Diets Bullshit?

It appears so.

Great article from the New York Times.

Telephone Diet

I'm calling this the "Telephone Diet" because I was thinking of ridiculous diets me and my girlfriends attempted while we were teenagers back in the 80s. Most of these diets were relayed by my friends to one another via telephone, you know we didn't have the Internet back in the stone ages. I've decided that is a good thing, because knowing me I would have had a Myspace page with dirty pictures of myself and/or ran off with an Internet predator.

My mother usually wrangled me into dieting along with her by bribing me with whatever item I as coveting at the time. Leather pants and a Louis Vuitton bag come to mind. "If you'd just lose 25 pounds ___you'd be perfect!" Funny thing is I look at those old photos, I was so not overweight and would kill to be as thin. Being a teenager I often didn't listen to my mother and instead did whatever my friends were doing.

Of all the bizzaro homemade diets my friends came up with, this I think this wins as the most unappetizing:

Breakfast -1 hot dog microwaved
Lunch - 2 hot dogs microwaved in baggie from home OR if hot dogs were on school lunch menu on school hot dog, no bun, no condiments. 7-11 roller hot dogs were ok as well.
Dinner 2 hot dogs microwaved or boiled
Drink - Diet Coke or Tab

Have you vomited yet? I love a good hot dog, but if I recall correctly, my friend Susan who came up with this cockamamie diet plan and myself didn't make it past one week. We said screw it and ended up with our own individual two liter bottles of Sun Country Wine Coolers and both ended up showering her parents lawn with tropical punch tinged hot dogs.

Other sad attempts of coming up with our own diet plans revolved around similar schemes of only eating one item-Cap't Crunch, Toast, and Rice Cakes.

Oh to be young and thin!

Sexy Diet

Since I've lost a lot of weight, not my goal yet, but enough that I am happy and confident enough to attract some hot men, I have discovered that I had been missing out on the best diet of them all-sex. A "fucking diet" if you will.

Nothing has toned my tush like the intense sex I have had of late.

Honestly, all I have to say is be an enthusiastic lover and you will discover your body will be more taut than ever before. Now I am speaking from a female perspective, so ladies, dont' just lie there, get your groove on.

Fries may go with that shake, but don't eat 'em!

Cutest Diet Ever - The Bento Diet

As it often happens when going on the Internet you end up far, far away from where you originally started. I forgot what exactly I was looking for, but I ended up at a Flickr pool of bento box photos. From there I found myself at the blog of a woman who is losing weight via bento boxes. She has moved to another blog since.

For those who are not aware of what a bento box is, here is a basic explaination from Wikipedia.

Her thinking is quite reasonable, the bento box allows her to keep her portion control in check. Not to mention the adorable boxes are fun to make and kids naturally enjoy eating them.

Now this is an easy diet, but definitely not one for the lazy as the true beauty of a bento box is not only variety of tastes, but visual appeal. The original blog has loads of tips and tricks how to prepare the boxes.

If you're interested, even if you're not dieting, check out the blog as she has some cool tips.

photo is from Hello Kitty Zone.

Crazy Is A Matter of Perspective - The Sardine Diet

Some foods are best eaten at home, alone, with nary a person around to come up behind you and say "P.U.!" or "Gross!"

Sardines are most definitely one of these foods.

I'm talking of the classic canned sardines lined up in a can covered with oil, mustard, or hot sauce. Perhaps enjoyed with some crackers or on some toasted buttered bread and a slice of raw onion, tossed with pasta. Or, as I had them the other night, mashed with some habenero sauce and spread on some wheat toast. Sure, there are sardines of a more refined quality, fresh out of the sea served as tapas,but for the purpose of this blog post, just think of your regular run of the mill canned fish.

Where does the "crazy" part come in. Well, being a food that either your love or abhor, all the haters will think you are absolutely insane for even thinking of going on the "Sardine Diet." Some will expect you to be stinky instead of skinny.

The book "Sardine Diet" touts a pretty healthy eating plan that revolves around harnessing the power of eating foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which do include some non-sardine items, lots of fiber, and the true way to ensure you drop some pounds, reduced calories.

Overall it seems like a semi-easy plan to follow, definitely not though, for the squeamish of palate.

So there is nothing "crazy" about this plan unless you have a thing against a much maligined little fish

The Black Book of Hollywood Diet Secrets

Being a celeb crazed, Hollywood gossip monger it is only natural I'm a total sucker for celebrity diet secrets. I can barely pass a tabloid with a "Stars Diet Secrets" headline. Sad, but hell, at least I admit it. While the majority of these so called tips are bullshit, I still read on.

So when I got wind of this new book Black Book of Hollywood Diet Secrets by Kym Douglas and Cindy Perlman I knew I was going to have to get my paws on a copy.

Some of the tricks seem so obvious, but then don't we all "know" what to do as far as dieting is concerned, but don't really do it. For instance "The model salad" is merely lettuce and vinegar. Now I didn't need a book to tell me that is like zero calories, but still I can't lie it was a good reminder for me to quit drowning my salad in 1000 Island dressing. Some celebs eat prunes to be less bloated! Oprah drinks diet tea! Shitting is not so glamorous but it obviously keeps the celeb set thin.

This is not a definitive diet book, but definitely a fun read for anyone who is dieting or merely curious how the beautiful people stay so svelte.

Are you A Sucker? Eggplant Extract Diet

Quick test:

Check out this page for "Fat Foe" an eggplant extract diet aid to see how gullible you are.

Click on any link there to find out.

You, my savvy readers, probably knew it was phony baloney when you saw the advertisement. Every day thousands of people shell out big bucks for diet products that provide false claims and cause you to lose nothing but money. Don't even read the fine print, run!

Diet Patches - Effective As a Postage Stamp On Your Forearm

Sounds so easy, slap a patch on and the next thing you know you're a svelte, skinny little thing.

They have patches for everything, smoking cessation, birth control, menopause, pain, why wouldn't a diet patch not work? Easy folks: we barely have a prescription diet pill that works, and if it did, I am certain big pharma would slap that bitch on patches and hand them out. Other than appetite suppressants, and various herbal hoo-ha, not including Alli are no over-the-counter diet meds with proven efficacy to work on weight loss.

I've worked in the drug biz for a long time now, I'm going to break it down for you. For every pill you've ever put down your gullet, there were at least 3-4 of pre-clinical trials, 7 or so years of clinical trials, and then lots of back and forth bs with the FDA before they even filled the first bottle. And that is if you're lucky. That said, the majority of drugs that do go through clinical trials, do not get approved by the FDA. Not to mention behind each little pill are thousands of people busting their ass, tracking every sniffle from the thousands of people who took the drug during the testing phase. This is a very generic description, but there is major elbow grease and millions of pages of documentation.

Trust me, if a drug company discovered and had an approved diet drug that worked transdermally, that's via a patch on the skin, there would be a fucking float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

Herbal remedies are not regulated, and that is a whole other diatribe that I'll save for another day, but if someone did find out that the St.Hairofass root caused people to go from Rosie to Nicole Richie in a few months, the big boys would be on that like white on rice, and even the government would find a way for that to be sold, publicized and distributed.

The fine folks at DietFraud have numerous citings of various court cases where spammers and other slimy markets have been convicted of fraud for shilling these bogus patches. They also have a large listing of various patches that have been advertised and the sordid details of these patches that have the efficacy of a puffy Hello Kitty sticker.

I know we all want miracles, hell I even admitted I'd give the staple the go just for kicks, but in general, if it is too good to be true, it is.

Lanky Links

The funny ass women over at Jezebel have two amusing diet related stories today. If you have never checked out Jezebel, you're missing out, snarky, saucy, and ever ready to call bullshit on celebs, journalists, and even lowly folks such as myself:

1. "Fat Burners of Yore"

2. "Celebrity Diets: They Just Might Work?" If you like baby food!

Stephanie from "Back In Skinny Jeans" has a wonderful post today about mall chow & handling it on a diet, go give it a look-see.

Have a good weekend!

The TMI Diet - When You End Up Losing Weight Without Really Trying

I've been a hypocondriac as far back as I can remember. The sniffles are pneumonia, a scratch is a wound, and so forth. The lone allergic reaction I've had to a medication has led to 15 years of fear and excitment every time I take a new pill. When I get a cold, it is a full blown affair with me spending a hour in the pharmacy comparing cold meds for content and prices. I'll come out with said medication, plus every ointment, salve and unguent that could possibly make my cold better. Luckily, thanks to, what else, but medication, my hypocondria has dissapated a bit, but I still get a sick pleasure of being able to get my prescriptions filled in the hospital where I work vs. a regular drug store. Anyway, for all my worrying, I actually have been pretty fortunate. The bug big that was breast cancer was actually a bug bite, my problem swallowing was not some rare digestive problem, but merely anxiety.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes, so the past three days I have been suffering from a god-awful headache. I don't think it is a migrane, but merely a sinus headache from staying indoors where it is air conditioned vs. staying out in the heat. For some reason, despite the pain and nausea, lack of appetite and my hypocondria, don't want it to be a migrane. But, I am sickly happy that my stomach has been upset. Three days of pooping out the pounds, and blurry vision. I called on pothead friend for a lone bonghit to ease the pain, but he's dry till Friday and I'm just going to have to deal.

It is wrong and abnormal to think like this, but if you can blog about it, what can you do?

I have a checklist of diets to review, and they are some choice ones. But until then it will be me, my icepack, bed, and enjoying the three pounds I've lost via this pain.

eBoost - Energize & Revitalize!

The folks behind eBoost don't promote their energy beverage powder as a diet drink. But I'll be damned if it isn't. Imagine if you will a swankier version of Emergen-C with the kick of Red Bull, and perhaps a kick in the ass from that bull and you've got eBoost.

Me and two co-workers gave the stuff a go this morning. I am so not a morning person. I don't drink a lot of coffee, it gets cold on my desk before I can normally get a full cup down. I do, though, drink a lot of diet sodas. So knowing this morning I'd be giving the eBoost a test run, I gave myself a small allotment of caffeine just to ensure I would not get an evil caffeine headache. I'd say for the course of the day I have had the equivalent of one Diet Coke.

My co-worker used an eBoost powdered packet, and followed the directions to a T. She used 8 oz of water, and just did not like the taste. Please note she is a very picky vegan, and I was only able to coerce her into even trying the stuff because it contains no sugar. I tried to goad her into adding more water, but she wasn't having it. The other co-worker pocketed hers. Me, well I used a tablet, and mixed probably about 16 oz of water and ice, because I'm a rule breaker. It took a while to dissolve, but the diluted amount of the eBoost, which is effervescent tasted good to me. A mild orange taste, and with the ice was very refreshing.

Trust me, the dilution didn't affect the power of this stuff.

It is packed with various vitamins, heavy on the Bs, minerals, plus some herbal extracts, and Taurine, the stuff that puts the Red in Redbull. It does have a hefty dose of sodium, but so do most diet sodas. This stuff was obvious designed to recover from a hangover. I wasn't hungover, but I was sluggish.

Anyway, I was the office champ today, I was energized, but not jittery. It didn't even dawn on me until I go home that I had eaten very little today. Normally I am a big snacker. I took it around 10am, and it is about 8pm now and I still feel pretty good. Not wired, but not exhausted like I normally am after a busy day.

So back to the diet thing. Even though they're not hawking this stuff as a diet drink, I think it could be a good booster, no pun intended, to any diet regimen. Give it a go. It can be purchased at various boutiques, hotels and from their website, eBoost.com

PS. Next time I tie one on, I'm going for my eBoost vs. a greasy biscuit and a soda!

The Weekend Diet

Weekends use to mean beer and bourbon for me, and it showed. I've tamed my ways and spend more time in nerdville than the bar. Alas, for those who are still out and about, and want to take it easy on the weekend to make amends for a few dietary mishaps during the work week a weekend diet is for you!

Here are a few quick weekend diets to detox that I found:

The Gesta Diet (why is the inclusion of "Hollywood" make me such a sucker?)

A cute diet for "grub loving chaps" (not really a diet, but advice from the Brits)

The Leek Weekend Diet from French Women Don't Get Fat: The Secret of Eating For Pleasure

Some good weekend diet advice from WebMD

And of course, there is always the Master Cleanse

Enjoy your weekend folks!

(That demented picture is from cool Barbie website PinkPonyTail - I've already arranged with my sister that I am going to be the one to give my niece her first Barbie)

Is This The Future of Diets - The Self Absorbed You Tube Diet?

As I've previously mentioned, Weight Watchers and I never worked out very well. Why?
1. I'd miss meetings because of work or laziness, mostly laziness so I'd
2. Have to pay for the missed meetings and
3. When I did go, everyone got on my nerves, either pronouncing them the "Queen of Weight Loss" or asking stupid question. I don't play well with others apparently. Acutally, I'm a social butterfly with little patience.

I like to diet in private. In fact, I think it smart to not share your dieting status when you first begin. Why? Well folks:

1. You set yourself up for failure, and the enjoyment of others, because they
2. Expect you to fail and
3. Will be watching every damn crumb you put in your mouth. If you are say on a diet that allows a cheeseburger, they won't get it.
4. Nothing is MORE boring than being trapped by someone and their dieting adventures, except maybe having to hear about someones birthing fiasco. Its bad enough you're fat, so don't be a bore on top of it!

Later on as you progress, sure go ahead and out yourself, but if you do the kick start on your own, you'll find that one person you need to make happy is yourself.

OK, so that all said, I love me some YouTube, for music, movies, documentaries, but the whole vlogging thing is just wrong. I'm happy these folks have taken their steps to diet, but to be so self-absorbed as to think anyone is going to really tune in to hear their daily diet is just obnoxious. Get a pencil and a notebook, even a regular blog-the video thing is like showing the world the shit stains in your underwear. No one wants to see it, or even know about it. If you want to keep a video record for yourself, go for it, but keep it private. Of course, I'm not being forced to click on anything, but that doesn't make these monologues any less masturbatory. Actually pretty much anything in this format, like the video comments are just sad.

So these folks had embed codes. Enjoy, Love Cranky & Crazy:



Man or Woman, you Decide?



Snore



Why I got to be hatin'? Cause I can! I guess we're all pains in the asses in our own special way. I'm just sick of the whole world wanting to be a tv star!

If you have an argument FOR video diet diaries, do share in the comments.